Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think I sprained my soul last night
This is the high leading the old right now
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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