I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
