I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
