community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
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No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
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Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You did what with his pubic hair?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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