i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
