What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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