Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
