apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
