dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
