how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
