Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
