Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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