Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
