If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
