u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
