He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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