i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
