history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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