We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
