Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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