I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i think i have two assholes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
