youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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