and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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