I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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