i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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