brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
