I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
