Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
