she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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