if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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