how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
