If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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