Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
