dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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