I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
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There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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