Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So squirting runs in the family.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
