I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
