You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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