New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
