your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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