He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my shit smells like andre
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
