Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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