I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
