Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
