sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
