That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
