I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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