New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
