tell your sister to shave her snatch
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
