3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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