The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
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I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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