So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
