My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
