i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I will be naked everywhere
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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