im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
my poor anus
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
