Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
