Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
