why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
