I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
