I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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