I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
