I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
