he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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