The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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