she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
