I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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