I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
People in love make me want to vomit
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
